Euphoric Fatigue (euphoricfatigue) wrote,
Euphoric Fatigue

happy father's day.

dear daddy,

i really miss you. things just aren't the same.

this year mom sold the house in ny for 7 grand.

johnny had something to do with it... you know mom doesn't go out to the mailbox or do anything by herself

and he also had her sell the little house here. and she is now in a nursing home. and she wants to stay there.

it is really sad.

i want to thank you for getting the equity line on the house to send me to wellesley.

my degree there and further degrees really helped me professionally. even if i didn't get my "mrs" degree as you put it.

i tried dating those harvard boys but they could be kind of jerky.

and thank you for giving me your courage and determination. not that i really have any, but thank you for showing me how they worked.

thank you for your support in all the harebrained decisions i made. and not so harebrained but certainly not decisions you would have made for me.

but you never did make my decisions. you always gave me freedom of choice. you never tried to sway my decisions.

and you really, truly did support me. you didn't just say "oh, call me if something happens" but you actually were my number one supporter.

you were there at my games, you were there at girl scout meetings and camp outs. you came to the prom and made sure i was ok.... you were the only dad at the camp outs. and the girls giggled when you sang the
campfire songs. and the girls at the prom thought it was really sweet you showed up, in your tux. no other girls had their dad's to dance with too.

and you were on my side even when no one else was.

and you were so kind. always. with everyone.

thank you for teaching me the value of a dollar. even i kicked and screamed and said something like "well, RUTHIE has a new bike!!" or "but everyone else is going!!" and you said, "well, save your allowance" or "get a job".

and thank you for not buying me a car. really. that old oldsmobile cutlass was better than any car you could have bought me.

and my decision after school to buy that bmw? well, if i had followed your advice i would have only gone through three cars since then.

that truck i bought? i still have it. not too many problems. a starter here and there, some new hoses... but for pete's sake it's a '89.

thank you for your emotional support when i decided to get married.

thank you letting me fail all on my own.

thank you for letting me grow up.

thank you for staying with mom, even though i know it was difficult.

thank you for caring for her so much too.

thank you for helping with nicholas when i had custody. your influence on him i hope will someday help him turn around.

i know he misses you greatly too.

johnny is still a jerk. he took a whole bunch of stuff after you left, including some government computers. he basically got probation and a
suspended sentence. so i know it's a disappointment he is a convicted felon. i know it breaks your heart.

he took even your WW2 stuff and put that in the back of the truck almost 2 years ago. my clothing, shoes, ALL my stuff was out there in the rain for 4 months.

almost nothing was salvageable. i'm sorry some of your photos were ruined. i was able to save the one of you in venice? the one in your disheveled uniform with a broad smile?

you look tired but really happy. months in the appenines can be tiring, i know.

and the old copies of the stars and stripes. and the blizzard. i'm sorry i couldn't save many of them. they were just pulp.

thank you for helping people you didn't know. thank you for teaching me there was good in the world. even when i was convinced it was all bad.

thank you for being tough with my boyfriends. thank you for saying "no". thank you for saying "yes" when you did.

thank you for letting me be my own person.

i went through some old photos from grandma's a few months ago. it made me sad to see them, since it's all gone now, but it made me happy to to see us so much a family.

even when it was tough.

thank you for teaching me to throw a football. thank you for teaching me about trees.

thank you for teaching me about forgiveness.

thank you for telling me about the "real world".

thank you for taking me hiking and mountain climbing. and skiing. and for building the tree fort. and letting me do all the things the boys did. even though it meant i broke my arm.

(the broken arm was worth it)

thank you for teaching me about compassion, and patience, and honor. and fidelity and bravery and making lemonade out of lemons. sometimes there are a lot of lemons.

thank you for arranging for me to get the new prom gown. i know mom wanted me to wear the one from the year before, but you went and saw it, and gave me the money to get it the next day.

i looked pretty good in that pale pink, daddy.

thank you for not pushing me too hard on my cotillion. or to get married. or to have kids.

thank you for supporting me in my decision to leave the country. i know it bothered you a great deal to have me go.

thank you for sending me the little boxes with things to make my life easier. the kids really loved the hershey bars.

some things never change.

thank you for being so kind to poirier. you know, you two were a lot alike.

that night you were drinking with him and you divulge your bayoneted saga.... daddy, we never knew before that.

daddy, you could have been killed!

thanks for the late night chats when you were at work. it was nice and an honor to know you as a grown up.

and thanks again for our good-bye. you made it so much easier than it could have been. and thank you for facing your death with dignity and bravery.

thank you for showing me you loved me every day. even when you were cross with me.

i hope you don't mind you're with your mom and dad now. you have a lot of time to make up for.

i hope your dad takes you fishing and to the ball park, and to the adirondacks and the cape in the summer. i hope you're able to take the boat out together now. i hope you get to know him like i got to know you. i'm sure your mom and dad have missed you.

i'm sure grandma is happy you can spend some time with her. i know your dad must have missed you once he left too.

and i'm not sad you died, i'm happy you're with your parents.

thank you for living your life with grace.

and thank you for teaching me about love.

i really do miss you. so does mom. i know you're "around" i just can't see you.

so i guess i'll have to see 'ya later.

i love you,
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