December 10th, 2005

dad & fish & i

(no subject)

12:56 can't sleep.

does anyone have any friends in dubai? might be going there in a month or so for a bit.

tired and cranky and dreading Christmas. what a wimp i am.

i was blessed three times by an elderly man who kept crying. don't know if that is good or bad news.

having trouble getting that damned "stress causes cortisol" commercial or whatever it is. relecort? i dunno. pulls out hair. :P

fairy came today with 50 bucks for expenses. thank you. you were only a few days late.

tomorrow i get added to a bank account, that should help.

i've been seeing posts about what people have been doing this year, or 5 years ago and contrasting it with the past year.

i got the idea to call my mom, but she is always in bed and asleep by 7. :( dammit, i need cookie recipes! time's a wasting!

lady asked me to hook her up with a dvd. said her daughter would complain if she bought one. wants to avoid conflict. that's me, conflict resolution specialist. funny when kids turn into the care giver role. (not really funny, i know)

"hate is not a family value"

i need one of those stickers.

i need an exhaust shop in nova. cheap is good.

i could deal with some brutal honesty and absolute forgiveness. i lack patience lately.

some people still piss me off too much to make any sense of why i still think about them at all.

give me 5 pair of shorts, 5 tshirts, a bathing suit and a sarong, a one way ticket to martinique, and i am outta here. life is short. play hard. i would go back to grenada but st. anne is nicer.

a dutch copy of gnomes. first edition.

eloise in russia. first edition.

the sun through the branches of the maple in the yard at my grandmother's, the light dancing on the floor.

"you're a lot prettier with the lights on".

why do people who want everything from someone have very little to give back?

a "friend" (someone i spoke to in high school) is contemplating a baby at 40. don't ask me about it, i'm the last person to advise someone on that sort of stuff.

yada yada.
  • Current Mood
dad & fish & i

christmas cheer

because i was feeling a bit blue about stuff, and then i realized when i came across this, i about peed my pants. my life isn't so bad after all... some families are fucked up more than even mine is! hooray! :P

"Dear Andrea,

Thanks for your foul-mouthed drunken tirade the other nite. I suppose
this means you 'll not be having me to dinner or Las Vegas anytime soon. The only thing you left out was blaming me for cancer.

I'll not deny that I struck Shirley a few times over 16 years. I'm ashamed & sorry it happened to this day. There is, however, another truth whether or not you'd choose to believe it possible: your mother wasn't a saint & actually loved pushing/goading me beyond limits of self control. And then feeding off my guilt!! In brief, I wasn't able to make your mother happy & everything else became a moot issue.
Compromise wasn't ever in her frame of reference. Each & every difference had to end in a screaming match void of realities.

No doubt i WILL be judged for past will we all. One can only pray that the final judge might be more forgiving/understanding than you. Nothing is ever so all black or all white as it may seem.

I'm truly sorry that both you & Erich might lose you mother to cancer.
Whatever you think of me, I know the sense of pending loss quite well.
I'd still offer whatever comfort/aid that you'd need or accept. But I'll not beg you one way or the other. Shirley & I once loved each other long before your time. We simply couldn't overcome the post-partum depression on top of life's other hurdles.

Whatever your position, I'll leave Herndon when lease expires about Aug
1st. I'd much hoped it could have been great fun & a time for healing.
Obviously, it wasn't either one. Five or ten years after my demise, you
can ponder the reasons with none around to contradict, ok?

Love, Dad

PS. Do, however, spare me further psycho-babble about twisting or
pulling your hair as a child. It was simply a thing you did as an
individual as soon as you discovered fingers & hair. To suggest something more sinister is akin to saying that every kid who sucked
thumb was traumatized by parental discord. Linus needs his blanket
for some reason, but I doubt it has to do with problems of grown-ups.
PPS. As for harrassing you, get real. I've not spoken 2 words to you in
nine months at your request."